The picture you see of Sandi is how I will always remember her. This is from five years ago when it seemed like she had beaten the odds then and was well. Her hair was back (she was thrilled about that) and she felt normal again. She was happy and had major plans for all of us. It would not be long afterwards when we would find out the damn cancer was back with vengeance. But, for a few weeks there it seemed like her battle was over.
It will be in a matter of hours, a day, maybe two. The end is very near. The only good thing about that is she won't suffer anymore. She has suffered a lot. Especially these last few weeks and in recent days. She has fought and continues to do so even now. I made her promise years ago when this started to never leave me.
I told her this this morning as I held her hand that it was okay to go. It isn't. Not for me. But, for her the pain needs to end. Mine never will.
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21 comments:
You are a brave and good husband. I am proud to know you.
It is a small comfort, I know, but your many friends are here for you, Kevin.
Kevin,
Telling Sandi it's okay to go is a true gift to her, one only a loving husband could make. Not that it was easy, or seems fair, or is what you truly desire, but what is best for her, your wife.
In Heaven, she will look down, and again, thank you for that.
So sorry, Kevin. You and Sandi were so good to me and Judy when we were going through a similar time. Hardest thing I've ever had to do or ever will. I'm with the two of you all the way.
God bless.
Echoing all of the above. You are a good man.
I did the exactly the same for Cliff. His breathing was so difficult, I didn't see how he could keep doing it, so I told it was all right, that I would be OK, and that he could rest now. It's what we have to do.
We do what we must to ease the suffering of those we love.
Thoughts and prayers to you.
She will always be your guiding light.
Others have said what needs be said. Just affirming their wisdom; & your grace.
Thank you, everyone. She is till with us. How much longer is impossible to tell at this point though it is clear that things are slowly grinding on.
My heart is with you both, Kevin. Sandi is blessed by your love and your ability to express it in the most selfless way.
AS she has done all along, she continues to defy what others have said would happen. She remains with us, though it is clear that the inevitable is coming.
Tell her how much we all love her and how much of an inspiration she's been. Our thoughts are with you.
Sandi has defied medical predictions for the last six years plus. I guess it should not be surprising that, despite what we were assured that there was no question about, this Monday morning finds her still with us. Things have obviously progressed significantly in the last twelve hours. She remains fighting and defiant.
Peace be with you both. Sandi has the courage to continue to fight; you have the courage to let her go, even at such great cost to yourself.
You are both inspirations.
Jeanne
The hospice team was here and worked on her for almost two hours trying to clean her up and make her more comfortable. Though better right now, she is suffering greatly despite their best efforts. I have been told that lots of hospice folks will be here from now on as "death is imminent."
Our funeral home has been alerted and the wheels are in motion for her when the worst for us happens. The only good thing is when this horrible event finally happens, she will be free of all the pain she has been having these past weeks and especially the last few days.
This Wednesday morning finds us still all together. The hospice doctor changed her meds yesterday believing the morphine, after having so much of it in the hospital these past weeks and now here at home, could very well be making things worse at this point. Changing that to a different pain med seems to have helped some though one is not sure as things fluctuate constantly.
What is clear is she is suffering in many ways despite all of our efforts. That spirit that helped her fight two forms of non hodgkins lymphoma so long as it kept attacking and ravaging her body is now making things worse as she is not giving up despite what the hospice folks keep telling me. While they don't know me well enough to lower their guard as most of her nurses and doctors did, it is very clear that Sandi has shocked them by hanging on so long past where they thought she would end her struggle.
I have told Sandi again this morning that it was okay to go and I would take care of the kids and everything here. She came around briefly a little bit and I think she tried to reply, but couldn't. I told her again how much I loved her and that I always would. At least this time, I got through most of it before I lost it and started crying at her bedside.
It has been a very long Thursday and, at this hour, Sandi is still barely hanging on. She slowly declined yesterday and through the night and by this morning it was very clear it was almost all over. The hospice folks were here this afternoon and classified her as "unresponsive" and "near death." I had figured that much out shortly after 6:30 this morning when I woke up after about three hours of sleep and checked on her. It was obvious things had gone downhill a long way from 3 am when I had given her the last round of pain meds.
Tonight, she is barely breathing. We can't hear breath sounds anymore, but one can still see her chest rise a little on each breath in. The pulse in her throat is still there though it is increasing erratic.
For her it is almost finally over. She is soon going to be free from all the pain she has gone through these past years and especially these last few weeks and days. These last seven days have been unreal and she has gone through such pain...words don't begin to describe it. At least that will be over for her.
I love the photo of her you posted, so happy and vibrant. Her strong spirit shines though. Your love and support helped sustain her.
Jeanne
I tried. I tried to protect her. But, I could not stop this.
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