Barry is back on the blog today with a selection
that resonates with the current political situation as he reviews Fields for
President by W. C. Fields. For the full list of reading suggestions, head over
to Patti Abbott’s blog.
FIELDS FOR PRESIDENT
(1939) by W.C. Fields
Reviewed by Barry
Ergang
I was most likely in my mid
to late teens when I first saw a W.C. Fields movie and instantly became a fan.
A former vaudevillian, Fields’s comedic style was both physical and verbal like
the Marx Brothers’, whom I’m also crazy about, but nonetheless dissimilar and
unique. When I recently discovered that Fields had written a spoof about
seeking the presidency of the United States, and that it’s available in e-book
form, I bought and downloaded a copy.
This fast slender read,
which includes illustrations by O. Soglow, opens with a
laudatory introduction by Dick Cavett, who is also a die-hard Fields fan. Then
we get into Fields’s own text, some of which is very relevant to what’s
actually going on in the (as of this writing) lead-up to the 2016 presidential
election, and in which anyone familiar with his films and the kinds of
characters he portrayed will be able to hear his distinctive proclamatory
intonations. As he tells us, “The purpose of this modest little volume is to
make clear to my future constituents what my moral and political background has
been, and exactly how I stand on the issues of the day. So just pull up a fireside
and lend an ear to your old Uncle Will, the white hope of the Bull Moose Party
in 1940.”
Why is he running for
President? It dates back to when “I was exactly nine years old, and I can
remember clearly how Boss Tweed’s brother, Harris Tweed, took me on his knee
and said: …‘Never give a sucker an even break.’”
Discerning readers won’t
fail to notice significant similarities between Fields’s manner of delivering self-aggrandizing
assertions and those of real-world candidates, in particular an orange-hued,
oddly-maned chap from New York. This is not to say that Fields was trying to be
prophetic, but that because everyone running for office bloviates about his or
her qualifications and an opponent’s lack of same, in this case one need only
examine the chapters’ substance to recognize Fields’s inadvertent satirical
clairvoyance.
To wit:
CHAPTER I: LET’S LOOK AT
THE RECORD
“Business Success: If he knows nothing else, a President should at
least understand the secret of success in the business world. For, after all,
what is the Presidency but a glorified business—or, at least, a fine racket?”
CHAPTER II: MY VIEWS ON
MARRIAGE
“Right at the outset,
friends…I wish to state unbiasedly and without reservations that most marriage
problems of today stem from the fact that we pamper our gentle sex too much…Never try to impress a woman! Because if
you do she’ll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life.”
Next we are treated to the anecdote of Fields’s effort at impressing a woman
named Abigail Twirlbaffing with his skill as a bugler.
CHAPTER III: HOW TO BEAT
THE FEDERAL INCOME TAX—AND WHAT TO SEE AND DO AT ALCATRAZ.
The pungency of the
chapter’s title cannot be lost on anyone even vaguely aware of one of the
controversies in the current campaign. Fields points out that many people are
daunted “by the intricacies of wrestling with an income-tax blank. Forsooth,
there are some citizens who feel so cowed by this imposing document that they
ignore it altogether. I number at least one such person among my acquaintances
(I say ‘number’ because that is what he is now—at Alcatraz)….”
CHAPTER IV: FIELDS, A MAN
OF FIRM RESOLVE
“Campaign resolutions are
nothing more than overgrown New Year’s resolutions: they are thrown together
hastily at the last minute, with never a thought as to how they may be
gracefully broken.” Thus the candidate goes on to aver how he’ll make and break
his sworn campaign promises.
CHAPTER V: MY RULES OF
ETIQUETTE
Here I’ll leave readers to
consider the episodes concerning Claude or Claudette, a trained seal; and the
lone customer standing outside a theater on a wintry night in Upper Waukegan.
CHAPTER VI: HOW I HAVE
BUILT MYSELF INTO A PHYSICAL MARVEL
“Although the demands on
the Presidential physique have gradually been reduced to buttonpushing
(sic)…still it is imperative to have a man in the White House who is as sound
in body as he is in mind.
“…I was not always the
remarkable specimen I am today. In my youth I was distinctly frail. I well
remember that many a time I could not even crush the can for Daddy in a proper
manner. The two-quart container of beer was often more than a match for my
slender young arm, and I would be forced to drink half the contents to make the
burden lighter.”
CHAPTER VII: THE CARE OF
BABIES
Does this boast remind you
of a certain current candidate? “I do not hesitate to state that I, W.C.
Fields, possess a deeper understanding of babies and their problems than any
other statesman in America…
“…To give you an example of my comprehension
of infant psychology, on my last swing around the corn-belt states, I always
carried a number of sterilized blindfolds, which I would casually place over
each baby’s eyes before I kissed it. This prevented its growth from being
stunted through terror.
“It was more than any other
candidate was willing to do for American babyhood and, believe me, the parents
of the nation appreciated my thoughtfulness.”
CHAPTER VIII: HOW TO
SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
“Ask any expert and he will
tell you that business suffers from two distinct ailments:
1. Overtaxation
2. Labor unrest, strikes, picketing, etc.
“Well, the solution ought
to be plain to anyone. There are 50,000,000 workers and 10,000,000 unemployed.
Merely remove all taxation from business and stipulate that employers must
spend this great saving in hiring pickets—one picket for every five workers
they employ. Presto, no more taxes, no more unemployed, no more labor
unrest—everybody happy!
“…Remember, folks, cast a
vote for Fields and watch for the silver lining. Cast several votes for Fields
and watch for the police.”
This has been a lengthy
overview of a very short book, one you can whip through in two or three hours
as I did, grinning my way through it and, on several occasions, laughing out
loud till my eyes watered. It’s too bad W.C. Fields isn’t alive today to
observe what’s going on—and perhaps to declare his candidacy for real, if only
to mischievously stir the pot. If he’s aware of what’s going on, he’s probably
juggling in his grave.
We’re presently dealing
with the campaigns of the two most disliked presidential candidates in the
history of our country. If you need a humorous break from the agonies of
watching and reading about them, I can’t recommend Fields for President strongly enough.
© (October 14) 2016 Barry Ergang
Reviewer’s Note: to those
reading this who have never seen W.C. Fields, and to those who are familiar
with him and are feeling nostalgic, YouTube
has a fair number of clips as well as some
films you can see—and should—in their entirety.
“Don’t be a luddy-duddy!
Don’t be a moon-calf! Don’t be a jabber-now! You’re not one of those, are you?”
Find and read some of Barry Ergang’s work at Smashwords and Amazon.
Indeed, Fields has my vote!
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