Barry is back on the blog today with a selection that resonates with the current political situation as he reviews Fields for President by W. C. Fields.
FIELDS FOR PRESIDENT (1939) by
W.C. Fields
Reviewed by Barry Ergang
I was most likely in my mid to late teens when I first saw a W.C. Fields movie and instantly became a fan. A former vaudevillian, Fields’s comedic style was both physical and verbal like the Marx Brothers’, whom I’m also crazy about, but nonetheless dissimilar and unique. When I recently discovered that Fields had written a spoof about seeking the presidency of the United States, and that it’s available in e-book form, I bought and downloaded a copy.
This fast slender read, which includes illustrations by O. Soglow, opens with a
laudatory introduction by Dick Cavett, who is also a die-hard Fields fan. Then
we get into Fields’s own text, some of which is very relevant to what’s
actually going on in the (as of this writing) lead-up to the 2016 presidential
election, and in which anyone familiar with his films and the kinds of
characters he portrayed will be able to hear his distinctive proclamatory
intonations. As he tells us, “The purpose of this modest little volume is to
make clear to my future constituents what my moral and political background has
been, and exactly how I stand on the issues of the day. So just pull up a
fireside and lend an ear to your old Uncle Will, the white hope of the Bull
Moose Party in 1940.”
Why is he running for President? It dates back to when “I
was exactly nine years old, and I can remember clearly how Boss Tweed’s
brother, Harris Tweed, took me on his knee and said: …‘Never give a sucker an
even break.’”
Discerning readers won’t fail to notice significant similarities
between Fields’s manner of delivering self-aggrandizing assertions and those of
real-world candidates, in particular an orange-hued, oddly-maned chap from New
York. This is not to say that Fields was trying to be prophetic, but that
because everyone running for office bloviates about his or her qualifications
and an opponent’s lack of same, in this case one need only examine the chapters’
substance to recognize Fields’s inadvertent satirical clairvoyance.
To wit:
CHAPTER I: LET’S LOOK AT THE RECORD
“Business Success:
If he knows nothing else, a President should at least understand the secret of
success in the business world. For, after all, what is the Presidency but a
glorified business—or, at least, a fine racket?”
CHAPTER II: MY VIEWS ON MARRIAGE
“Right at the outset, friends…I wish to state unbiasedly
and without reservations that most marriage problems of today stem from the
fact that we pamper our gentle sex too much…Never
try to impress a woman! Because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up to
the standard for the rest of your life.” Next we are treated to the anecdote of
Fields’s effort at impressing a woman named Abigail Twirlbaffing with his skill
as a bugler.
CHAPTER III: HOW TO BEAT THE FEDERAL INCOME TAX—AND WHAT TO
SEE AND DO AT ALCATRAZ.
The pungency of the chapter’s title cannot be lost on
anyone even vaguely aware of one of the controversies in the current campaign.
Fields points out that many people are daunted “by the intricacies of wrestling
with an income-tax blank. Forsooth, there are some citizens who feel so cowed
by this imposing document that they ignore it altogether. I number at least one
such person among my acquaintances (I say ‘number’ because that is what he is
now—at Alcatraz)….”
CHAPTER IV: FIELDS, A MAN OF FIRM RESOLVE
“Campaign resolutions are nothing more than overgrown New
Year’s resolutions: they are thrown together hastily at the last minute, with
never a thought as to how they may be gracefully broken.” Thus the candidate
goes on to aver how he’ll make and break his sworn campaign promises.
CHAPTER V: MY RULES OF ETIQUETTE
Here I’ll leave readers to consider the episodes concerning
Claude or Claudette, a trained seal; and the lone customer standing outside a
theater on a wintry night in Upper Waukegan.
CHAPTER VI: HOW I HAVE BUILT MYSELF INTO A PHYSICAL MARVEL
“Although the demands on the Presidential physique have
gradually been reduced to buttonpushing (sic)…still it is imperative to have a
man in the White House who is as sound in body as he is in mind.
“…I was not always the remarkable specimen I am today. In
my youth I was distinctly frail. I well remember that many a time I could not
even crush the can for Daddy in a proper manner. The two-quart container of
beer was often more than a match for my slender young arm, and I would be
forced to drink half the contents to make the burden lighter.”
CHAPTER VII: THE CARE OF BABIES
Does this boast remind you of a certain current candidate?
“I do not hesitate to state that I, W.C. Fields, possess a deeper understanding
of babies and their problems than any other statesman in America…
“…To give you an
example of my comprehension of infant psychology, on my last swing around the
corn-belt states, I always carried a number of sterilized blindfolds, which I
would casually place over each baby’s eyes before I kissed it. This prevented
its growth from being stunted through terror.
“It was more than any other candidate was willing to do for
American babyhood and, believe me, the parents of the nation appreciated my
thoughtfulness.”
CHAPTER VIII: HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
“Ask any expert and he will tell you that business suffers
from two distinct ailments:
1.
Overtaxation
2. Labor
unrest, strikes, picketing, etc.
“Well, the solution ought to be plain to anyone. There are
50,000,000 workers and 10,000,000 unemployed. Merely remove all taxation from
business and stipulate that employers must spend this great saving in hiring
pickets—one picket for every five workers they employ. Presto, no more taxes,
no more unemployed, no more labor unrest—everybody happy!
“…Remember, folks, cast a vote for Fields and watch for the
silver lining. Cast several votes for Fields and watch for the police.”
This has been a lengthy overview of a very short book, one
you can whip through in two or three hours as I did, grinning my way through it
and, on several occasions, laughing out loud till my eyes watered. It’s too bad
W.C. Fields isn’t alive today to observe what’s going on—and perhaps to declare
his candidacy for real, if only to mischievously stir the pot. If he’s aware of
what’s going on, he’s probably juggling in his grave.
We’re presently dealing with the campaigns of the two most
disliked presidential candidates in the history of our country. If you need a
humorous break from the agonies of watching and reading about them, I can’t
recommend Fields for President
strongly enough.
Barry Ergang ©2016, 2020
Reviewer’s
Note: to those reading this who have never
seen W.C. Fields, and to those who are familiar with him and are feeling
nostalgic, YouTube
has a fair number of clips as well as
some films you can see—and should—in their entirety.
“Don’t be a luddy-duddy! Don’t be a moon-calf! Don’t be a jabber-now! You’re not one of those, are you?” Find and read some of Barry Ergang’s work at Smashwords and Amazon.
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