This afternoon marks 38 years since Sandi and I got married. I won’t bore you again this year with recounting our history as I married my small-town girl. What she ever saw in me, I have no idea.
I still feel tremendous guilt that I could not save her from the cancer or give her the life she deserved in the years before cancer roared into our lives. I remain convinced that going on
without her was not what was meant to be. We were supposed to grow very old
together, hanging out in our respective chairs, and occasionally visited by
friends and family. Acceptance of the life I now have without her remains very
hard and elusive. The going on is very tough and remains so.
Many told me that after a year, things would get
easier. Not for me. Every day is still like it just happened. The last
few months have been way harder in the endless grief sea. I look for little signs of her, like the
lightning bugs that she so loved, out in the yard, and try to deal as best as I
can.
As numerous people far wiser than me have said--- Tomorrow is never promised. Make damn sure the folks you know and love in your life know how much you love them.
Talking to the urn on the mantle is no way to be.
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4 comments:
The gift of having Sandi in your life is something that cannot be ignored or dismissed, only appreciated. Moving on may feel like dishonoring her memory; in truth, it is not. The struggle is real and the struggle is painful. As always, I wish you the very best as you continue to stumble through this terrible time.
Thank you, Jerry. You continue to handle your situation with far more grace and courage than I do.
I am still seeing a therapist four years later but the grief is not overwhelming. Medicare pays for therapy.
I think you need to consider an antidepressant, a grief support group, or therapy. Going it alone is not working for you. Being more proactive in getting help truly might lift you up a bit. Sandi would want you to get help. I guarantee it.
Taking an anti depressant, Zoloft, in the 90s caused permanate heart damage for me. Now it has a black box warning. So meds worry me.
I do plan on talking to the doc when he does the physical in a few weeks about grief counseling. Grinding it out is not working.
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