Today is Sandi's 64rth birthday. One of the way harder
days of the year in the never ending grief sea. Nothing is getting any
easier. Maybe it isn't supposed to and
this is just the way it will always be as long as I am around.
I have explained this before, I am going to indulge myself again today, as this was and still is a very big deal. She had worked so very hard to get here and here we were..... the picture is from May 15, 2010, which was her
graduation day at TWU. She was back on her feet, had walked at graduation, and
doing pretty well after collapsing while student teaching about two months
prior to this day. She had been air ambulanced from the parking lot of a school
in Frisco down to Medical City Dallas Hospital where they determined she had
several small strokes as well as some sort of heart attack,. While they could
see damage on the MRI and the CT Scans, she never had the blood markers for
either, so they were sure she would be fine long term. We would learn over a
year and half later that not having the blood markers was meaningless because
you could be full of cancer and have no blood markers at all for it.
We would also learn that this event was probably a
warning sign of cancer that was never caught or diagnosed. All we knew this day
was that she had graduated and had to pass the state boards to finally be
cleared to teach. She had a classroom full of supplies and gear in storage and
was so thrilled to have graduated. Sandi was worried that she might not pass
the state boards as she knew she was not
the same person she was before this had happened. But, she was sure that given
enough time, things would work out.
On this day, we had no idea what was to come. We
thought the future was bright. The sun sure was as it kept busting through the
overhead cloud cover. It happened to punch through and nailed us as the picture
was taken all those years ago.
The proud moments...the happy moments...hold onto them. When, and if, the grief abates -- we know it will never completely go away -- these are the tools for survival.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
I am so sorry, Kevin but glad you had a day of hope. I am facing what would have been our 57th anniversary on Sunday. It was a beautiful day for January in Philadelphia. We never had a bad day until the cancer came. I count myself lucky compared to most.
ReplyDeleteThank you both. This certainly was not the future I thought of all those years ago. Having a hard time of it.
ReplyDeleteCondolences for your loss Kevin. Know that your work brightens the lives of others living with their own pain.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mo.
ReplyDeleteThese "grief anniversaries" are so incredibly tough, and I don't think grief ever truly goes away. You just learn to somehow evolve around it and keep going. We'll be thinking of you today, Kevin, and sending along virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. That they are. I have long said that if I could take a pill or something, and sleep/hibernate/whatever, from my birthday in November, through the holidays and all the rest of it,through this date, and wake up a few days later, I would do it in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteLike time travel, the tech is still not here to help.