Bookblog of the Bristol Library: Puck by Samantha Allen

Bookblog of the Bristol Library: Puck by Samantha Allen: Reviewed by Kristin   Puck is a queer non - binary thirty-year-old who has made great strides in their career as the producer of “Homewreck...

Our Anniversary

41 years ago today Sandi and I were married in the same church her parents had been married in many years earlier. She was, and always will be, my everything. 

The grief sea is storm tossed with towering waves, as it has been all weekend. I am not fit to be around, so I will do the usual thing, and isolate myself. 

Our Anniversary

 

40 years ago today I married my New England girl. She was and always will be my everything. Being here without her is brutally hard every day. Some days are way harder. It has not gotten any easier as the years pass. At this point, I don’t think it ever will, as it just gets harder every year. 

Our Anniversary

39 years ago today Sandi and I were married in the same church her parents had been married in many years earlier. She was, and always will be, my everything. One would think after going through seven of these deals, I could handle it better. I'm not. Some days are just brutal. This is one of those days.

38 Years

 

This afternoon marks 38 years since Sandi and I got married. I won’t bore you again this year with recounting our history as I married my small-town girl. What she ever saw in me, I have no idea. 

I still feel tremendous guilt that I could not save her from the cancer or give her the life she deserved in the years before cancer roared into our lives. I remain convinced that going on without her was not what was meant to be. We were supposed to grow very old together, hanging out in our respective chairs, and occasionally visited by friends and family. Acceptance of the life I now have without her remains very hard and elusive. The going on is very tough and remains so. 

Many told me that after a year, things would get easier. Not for me. Every day is still like it just happened. The last few months have been way harder in the endless grief sea. I look for little signs of her, like the lightning bugs that she so loved, out in the yard, and try to deal as best as I can.

As numerous people far wiser than me have said--- Tomorrow is never promised. Make damn sure the folks you know and love in your life know how much you love them. 

Talking to the urn on the mantle is no way to be.

Anniversary

 

37 years ago today I finally made a honest woman out of Sandi. Or, as she liked to say, she made the “cradle robbing legal like” as she was a few months older than me. Much to the horror and shame of both families, mine more than hers, we had been living together for several years before we finally were married on this day back in 1985. I know for sure my family was convinced we were doomed to fail. I think her folks thought the same thing.

She was a New England girl, through and through, and I was a Texas boy that most of her friends and family had no idea what to make of at all. I did it all, but wear cowboy boots, and most of them were sure I was not good enough for her. I was not, but not in the way they thought. Though I did not show it as it was hard for me to talk about or show her, I loved her with every fiber of my being as she was my everything.

Things were never easy for us. My parents basically disowned me as soon as I moved out over her. They never got over it though things were better the last few years my Mom was alive. Her parents were far more supportive in the beginning, but grew to believe it would be best if their little girl took the kids and got the heck out of dodge and away from me.

We went through a lot of bad stuff with next to no help from anyone. It took a toll on both of us and there was a lot of counseling through the years. We took our vows seriously and worked at it. Things got better in the years just before I got sick and then she did with what turned out to be the damn cancer.

Today is the fifth anniversary without her here telling me what needs to be done and that things will work out because they are meant to be. I remain convinced that going on without her was not what was meant to be. We were supposed to grow very old together, hanging out in our respective chairs, and occasionally visited by friends and family. Acceptance of the life I now have without her remains very hard and elusive.

So many told me that after a year things would get easier. Nope. Not for me. Every day is still like it just happened. 

She was and always will be my everything. Not an hour goes by where I do not think of her. Often more than once. It is hard every single day, but some days are really, really downright brutal.

This is always one of those days.

 

Our Anniversary

 

36 years ago today Sandi and I made everything proper and legal like in the same church in Somerville, Massachusetts, that her parents had wed decades earlier. She was a New England girl, through and through, and I was a Texas boy that most of her friends and family had no idea what to make of at all. I did it all, but wear cowboy boots, and most of them were sure I was not good enough for her. I was not, but not in the way they thought.

What she ever saw in me, I do not know. I can not help but wonder, if she had married another and thus had an easier life as we struggled financially and in so many other ways, if the cancer would have ever reared its head or been terminal. I will never know what might have been. I did everything I could to help her in the battle, but it just was not good enough. The guilt I feel, and, yes, I know it is irrational, over that fact is massive and crushing. 

Today is the fourth anniversary without her here telling me what needs to be done and that things will work out because they are meant to be. I remain convinced that going on without her was not what was meant to be. We were supposed to grow very old together, hanging out in our respective chairs, and occasionally visited by friends and family. Acceptance of the reality I live with every damn day remains very hard and elusive.

She was and always will be my everything. Not an hour goes by where I do not think of her. Often more than once. It is hard every single day, but some days are really, really downright brutal.

This is one of those days.

Our Anniversary

It was 35 years ago today when Sandi and I formally tied the knot after five years of dating. She was and always will be my everything. This is the third anniversary without her here. It is hard every single day, but some days are really, really tough. This is one of those days.

Our Anniversary

It was this afternoon 34 years ago today when Sandi and I were married in a church in the Boston area. I wish we were still together. I miss her so much.

The blog will be dark for today. Do not expect much out of me online wise or via soical media.

Our Anniversary

I miss her so much.

Thirty Years

Thirty years ago today in a church in the outskirts of Boston this Native Texan did so and with forethought marry a Yankee Indian maiden by the name of Sandra who insisted her name was Sandi with an "i." It often has been worse thanks to health stuff and we have often been poorer as a result, but would gladly do it all again in a heartbeat.

Happy Anniversary, Sandi!