Anniversary

 

37 years ago today I finally made a honest woman out of Sandi. Or, as she liked to say, she made the “cradle robbing legal like” as she was a few months older than me. Much to the horror and shame of both families, mine more than hers, we had been living together for several years before we finally were married on this day back in 1985. I know for sure my family was convinced we were doomed to fail. I think her folks thought the same thing.

She was a New England girl, through and through, and I was a Texas boy that most of her friends and family had no idea what to make of at all. I did it all, but wear cowboy boots, and most of them were sure I was not good enough for her. I was not, but not in the way they thought. Though I did not show it as it was hard for me to talk about or show her, I loved her with every fiber of my being as she was my everything.

Things were never easy for us. My parents basically disowned me as soon as I moved out over her. They never got over it though things were better the last few years my Mom was alive. Her parents were far more supportive in the beginning, but grew to believe it would be best if their little girl took the kids and got the heck out of dodge and away from me.

We went through a lot of bad stuff with next to no help from anyone. It took a toll on both of us and there was a lot of counseling through the years. We took our vows seriously and worked at it. Things got better in the years just before I got sick and then she did with what turned out to be the damn cancer.

Today is the fifth anniversary without her here telling me what needs to be done and that things will work out because they are meant to be. I remain convinced that going on without her was not what was meant to be. We were supposed to grow very old together, hanging out in our respective chairs, and occasionally visited by friends and family. Acceptance of the life I now have without her remains very hard and elusive.

So many told me that after a year things would get easier. Nope. Not for me. Every day is still like it just happened. 

She was and always will be my everything. Not an hour goes by where I do not think of her. Often more than once. It is hard every single day, but some days are really, really downright brutal.

This is always one of those days.