Six Years Later

This has been a very tough day...... six years ago today Sandi came home her final time just after six in the evening. It was the beginning of hospice ... and the beginning of the end. I did not want her here as I was very afraid of what was coming and not being able to care for her as she needed and deserved. That turned out to be the reality as after about a week they lost pain control and she suffered horribly before lapsing into unconsciousness those last few days. It was hell for her and for us too.

Sandi, on the other hand, did not want to die in the hospital. She desperately wanted to be at home here with us. I agreed as that was what she wanted and there was no way I could tell her no. In a sense she is still here as her urn sits here in the den.

I wish for so much that can't be......and I miss her so much. Every day is hard....some are worse than others....and then there are days like today. I turn 62 Monday and she is not here to tell me not to be grumpy about another birthday and to have fun.

Then we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthday in January. What should be a great time of year is instead a hard, painful slog. Six years later, nothing has changed. At least she is not here to watch me slowly get sicker as what little I inherited vanishes like sand through the hourglass.