Thursday, November 16, 2023

Six Years Later

This has been a very tough day...... six years ago today Sandi came home her final time just after six in the evening. It was the beginning of hospice ... and the beginning of the end. I did not want her here as I was very afraid of what was coming and not being able to care for her as she needed and deserved. That turned out to be the reality as after about a week they lost pain control and she suffered horribly before lapsing into unconsciousness those last few days. It was hell for her and for us too.

Sandi, on the other hand, did not want to die in the hospital. She desperately wanted to be at home here with us. I agreed as that was what she wanted and there was no way I could tell her no. In a sense she is still here as her urn sits here in the den.

I wish for so much that can't be......and I miss her so much. Every day is hard....some are worse than others....and then there are days like today. I turn 62 Monday and she is not here to tell me not to be grumpy about another birthday and to have fun.

Then we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her birthday in January. What should be a great time of year is instead a hard, painful slog. Six years later, nothing has changed. At least she is not here to watch me slowly get sicker as what little I inherited vanishes like sand through the hourglass.


Jerry House said...

I completely sympathize, Kevin, and have often had the same feelings. What pulls me back from despair is the knowledge that life is for the living -- something that Kitty truly believed. To do otherwise would be a betrayal to her and to myself. I sincerely hope you will soon reach that place also. Until than, hang in there!

Kevin R. Tipple said...

Sandi believed the same thing. I am still trying to find my way.

Sharon Hart Addy said...


You have my sympathy. The loss and readjustment are difficult, but life does go on. It can't be lived backward. Here are some quotes that bring me comfort or help me face the future.

"If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person." Fred Rogers.

"But none of us are assured of tomorrow. It's what we do with today that makes an impact."
Mitch Alban in Finding Chika

Best wishes
Sharon Hart Addy

Kevin R. Tipple said...

If I could go back and change time, I would in a heartbeat. Even though doing that never works according to nearly everything I read and watch.

I live in the past pretty much. Not just regarding Sandi, but many other things.