A lot has changed in my life the last thirteen months plus since the morning of March 15, 2010. I lost my job and income, gone broke, lost my insurance, been sued by Citibank and their third party debt collectors Allen Adkins and Associates (hearing still scheduled for May 16, 2010), had to file for Social Security Disability, food stamps and beg for help in public to pay my rent. All that has been bad, but it is the little things that destroy me.
I don’t go for walks anymore because I can’t walk. I have not been to a park in forever it seems. I can’t go fishing in the creek here because I can’t get down the bank to do it. Even if I could stand for five minutes straight, getting there is impossible. Sitting anywhere for more than about five to ten minutes is nearly impossible now. I have not been in a bookstore since right before this all started with me. If I go shopping anywhere, they have to have those little motorized cart thingies so that I can get around the store.My life has shrunk down to my apartment, the TV, and the computer.
Yesterday, I had to give up another piece of me. Since the brutal record cold of January and February and a number of falls back then, whatever is wrong with me seems to have spread into my hands. Especially my left arm and hand will burn with the same pain that fired down my left leg and is occasionally present in the right. Some mornings, like this morning, I wake up and I am completely numb down both arms with no feeling in my arms or hands. Some mornings, like this morning, after I roll over onto my back and wait about fifteen minutes, the feeling comes back with a rush of tingles and spasms and then the burning starts up and I can move my fingers again.
I am falling more than I ever have before despite using the cane 100 percent of the time. Whatever is wrong with me is clearly getting much worse. Yesterday I resigned my unpaid Assistant Editor position at Tangent Online. It had been something I had been thinking about possibly having to do since late February when it was very clear to me that things were getting worse. The last month has made it very clear to me that my time there was drawing to a close. I was desperately trying to hang in until Dave Truesdale returned and caught up. He came back last week and was already fully caught up by yesterday. So, I tendered my resignation. Ironically, while it took months to get my name and contact information added to the website, it took less than 24 hours to remove that same information.
So, another little piece of me is gone like I never was there. For now, I hope to keep doing my review column for the newspaper Senior News. I hope to somehow be able to write a little bit of my own fiction as well. More than anything, I just hope to survive and not get any worse.
Hopefully, I am not asking for too much.