2011

began on a cold note around here. Not just because it was cold outside. The heat broke last night and by this morning, it was down to fifty in the apartment. Maintenance came by in the early afternoon and fixed us as well as several other apartments. One hopes it keeps working.

So, we have a new year. Big damn deal. In past years, the first day of the new year has always marked hope. I always had a feeling things were going to get better for those I love and myself. Not this year.

If I could take 2010 bundle it up, pour gasoline on it, and burn the damn thing out in the parking lot I would. 2010 was a year of pain and stress for me, for my wife and just who had her own major event deal last Spring, as well as about everyone I know. In our case I don't see things turning around.

As of midnight, I don't have insurance because we could not make the January COBRA payment. I have at least two more months to wait to see if I qualify for Social Security Disability. As soon as the rent check clears the bank and takes the last of the money out in a couple of days, we will be filing for foodstamps. Everything is slipping away, piece by piece, and there is not a damn thing I can do about any of it.

And that is a huge chunk of why I am in a foul mood all the time driving the wife and kids nuts. Sheer frustration. Hurting nonstop is part of it. But the fact that I can't do something to change anything or fix anything makes it so much worse. Not only am I gradually getting worse and losing mobility and all that, I can't stop the rolling disaster for the family.

It is a nightmare and I can't wake up.