Tips From the Redneck Book of
Manners
1.Never take a beer to a
job interview.
2.Always identify people
in your yard before shooting at them.
3.It's considered poor
taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum
the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you're certain
that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
2.Avoid throwing bones
and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the
table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog
to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be
cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys
2.Proper use of
toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under
the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE
FAMILY)
1.Always offer to bait
your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her
know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3.Establish with her
parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say
'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her
to school on time.
4.Always have a positive
comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for
a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is
a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for
more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at
least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt
can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable,
say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate
to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights
for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in
sight.
2.When approaching a
four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of
way.
3.Never tow another car
using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your
wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring
back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself
from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber
while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A
REDNECK MURDER:
1.All the DNA is the
same.
2.There are no dental
records
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