Grief Weirdness

For the first time in about three weeks I woke up today just after five thirty this morning very upset and actually crying. This first started back in December within a day or two of Sandi's passing. Back then I would usually have a powerful dream that would wake me up as it was so vivid and so upsetting and I would sort of know what I dreamt that had triggered it. The last three or four times I have had no idea. I just wake up super upset, tears and more all over my face, and choking from crying so hard.

As happened this morning, once I got myself a little bit cleaned up, I knew there was no going back to bed. By dawn, I was up with a soda, my blood pressure pills in me that seemed to be taking an edge off a wicked headache, and determined to get some work done.

I did until about 2 this afternoon when the wheels came off the momentum train and I went back to bed and started watching television in between repeated trips to the bathroom to deal with a colitis attack. One that continues nearly unabated tonight though it has slowed down a bit which allowed me to go outside a few minutes ago.

While I told him what I wanted, Scott shut off the sprinkler and coiled the hose up as we had watered a particularly large burned area of the yard this evening. They tell us rain is coming starting tomorrow and for the next several days, but I am a native. I was born and raised here and have lived all my life here. I know that unless a storm is coming up off the Gulf, to never believe a forecast for rain in August until you are standing outside and it is actually raining.

 While we were out there, two different neighbors came over for a few minutes to talk and visit. Which is all well and good and a pleasant change from the apartment complex. Yet, in the emotional shape I am in tonight, trying to conversate for maybe ten minutes left me shaking and staggering by the time Scott helped me back inside.

I hurt like I always do and yet I am exhausted and keyed up at the same time. I suspect this is going to be yet another long night. It has been more than nine months now and it hurts so bad....still. I made her a promise and I have tried to do as she asked as I know she didn't want me to just quit. At the same time.....I wonder if she had any idea what she was asking me to do. I didn't.